Retroactive Forensic Analysis: Estimating the Lifetime Ejaculate Consumption of Madame Hélène Marie Du Crète

"I understand your reservations, Rookie," the Chief began, her voice measured and patient. The massive holo-display for the time scroll screen dominated the center of the labspace, casting a reddish glow that illuminated their faces. 

"don't get me wrong, I'll still do my job. But this whole...necro-forensic examination of a historical figure's, uh, cum consumptions? It just feels a little...weird, even for us. I mean, quantifying the ejaculate consumption of some 17th century noblewoman? It's just..."

"This is a high-profile case," the Chief cut in, her eyes remained impassive behind those square reflective glasses, "the patron doesn't just have deep pockets, he has deep interests. Unspeakable interests, that's why we are in charge of such interests." 

"You mean perverted, right? This guy gets off on this stuff, doesn't he?"

"Who are we to question how someone chooses to spend their money? Our client has a... particular interest in this woman, and he's paying us handsomely to provide raw, unvarnished truth." She threw her hand back and gestured back, the massive holo-display in the center of the lab suddenly flickers to life, and an image of Madame Du Crète appears, frozen in time.

The Chief reaches out, her fingers tracing the air, and the image begins to shift and flow, moving backwards and forwards through the timeline. "Our patron has granted us access to her entire existence. We can pause, rewind, fast-forward - even zoom in and examine the most intimate details of her existence." 

Madame Du Crète's face now blushed in stunning 32X HD detail, every wrinkle and pore visible. The Chief then shifted the timeline, and the Madame now is just a head impaled on the scaffold, the onset of decomposition creeping in on her frozen palid features. Then the Chief shifted again, this time Madame was moaning in a dim room, her married face doused with layers of ghostly ejaculates from several cocks, including black ones. 

There was a gleam of triumph in the Chief's eyes, as if she reveled in the sheer power of the technology at their fingertips. "Did you have a chance to see the really freaky stuff she did?" "Every breath, every heartbeat - it's all here, waiting to be examined and dissected." 

The Chief chuckled as she savored the expression on the Rookie's face as the retriever ardently thrusted with abandon into the once respectable, late "Gallow's Nymph" and royal whore Madame Du Crète. With a level of graphical fidelity that would have been unimaginable even a decade ago.

"This is...it's unreal." He shakes his head slowly. "I mean, we're literally playing God here, aren't we? Peering into the most racy secrets of a woman's life, long after she's gone." 

"She won't mind," the Chief chuckled, "She's skeleton." 

"And with the tech we have these days, we can give it to him all the details about her."

In every direction. As if we were nothing but flies on the wall. Ahem, I mean *fly drones* slipped in her timestream.

"...Yeah, that's what worries me." The Rookied sighed. "I mean, the guy's got more money than God, and he's somehow got this...fixation on women like Madame Du Crète. It's just creepy, you know?"

"This is the work we do. Besides, you've been on the team for three years now. You know how these high-profile cases can be. The way I see it," the Chief added: "we're both getting paid more than the president of a shithole country to do this. It's just science, plain and simple. Now, do you have that report ready, or are you just going to stand there looking skeptical all day?"

Rookie pulled out and handed her an expensive trademark tablet: "Yeah, yeah, I got it right here- the estimated volumes, the breakdown of oral consumption versus facials, the whole nine yards." He rubbed a hand over his face "God, I can't believe I'm even saying those words."

Retroactive Forensic Analysis: 

Estimating the Lifetime Ejaculate Consumption of Madame Hélène Marie Du Crète

Mme. Du Crète (nee Dubois). 

Age: ~44 ? 

Enfants: 4. 

Sa décapitation l'a surprise dans une forme étincelante.  

Introduction:

This academic report offers a retrospective analysis of Madame Hélène Marie Du Crète, a remarkable – and remarkably licentious – adulteress and would-be-murderess of 17th century French high society. In the wake of her untimely demise, a forensic examination of the available evidence has been undertaken to quantify the sheer volume of seminal fluid that passed Madame Du Crète's lips. 

While contemporary accounts and salacious rumors have painted a picture of Madame Du Crète as a veritable receptacle of carnal indulgence, it is the duty of the dispassionate researcher to strip away the sensationalism and scrutinize the tangible evidence. Through a painstaking process of collating and cross-referencing historical records, witness accounts, and forensic data, we have endeavored to piece together a comprehensive picture of Madame Du Crète's extramarital proclivities and the volumes of ejaculate she is reliably estimated to have consumed. 

Furthermore, we have distinguished between the volumes of ejaculate that were likely consumed orally versus those applied externally as "facials". 

Let us begin by establishing a baseline for male spermatogenesis during the era in question. Based on anthropometric data from the era, we can estimate that  the average adult male of sound constitution during the late 1600s would have exhibited relatively robust spermatogenesis, producing ejaculate volumes ranging from 2-5 milliliters per emission, with an average of 3.5 ml, with higher-end estimates suggesting a maximum of 7 ml in exceptional cases. However, it is critical to note that the social status and physical makeup of Madame Du Crète's suitors likely skewed from these norms considerably. 

Ses échantillons  affichent une  diversité  époustouflante,  grâce a son appétit insatiable. 

Les contraceptifs avaient empêché la naissance de plus de 4 enfants pour son mari cocu.

Distribution de fréquence de l'éjaculation sur la femme adultère : poitrine, orifices postérieurs, pieds, cavités buccales et estomac. Avec des dépôts posthumes significatifs dans tous ces lieux de pèlerinage familier

That enough of Madame Du Crète's known lovers were drawn from the ranks of the lower classes - soldiers, merchants, and other men of unseemly background. Whose increased quality in viscosity were often simultaneously constricted by the poor health, dietary habits, and generally unsanitary living conditions of these men. Additionally, the possibility that she may have engaged in more extreme practices, such as the "Ondinisme" and the drinking of her lover's urine as alluded to in the available sources, further complicates the quantification of her consumption. Because stiff micturition in urine often destroys fresh spent spermatozoa (Retrograde Ejaculation) and the trapped retrograded ejaculates that were held back should be correspondingly discounted. 

Descriptions of Madame Du Crète's preferred paying paramours, enough of whom were reported to be "base-born" and other unsavory characters, suggest that the ejaculate she favored was likely thicker, more copious, and potentially even tinged with hues of discoloration.

Facial Deposition vs. Ingestion:

Contemporary memoirs and anecdotal evidence suggest that Madame Du Crète derived particular pleasure from the practice of having her face and upper body doused in the ejaculate of her numerous lovers. While she was known to enthusiastically consume portions of these emissions, it appears that the majority was deposited upon her person rather than ingested.

"This wretched woman had no shame, no modesty, no restraint. She would gleefully receive the outpourings of several repugnant suitors, coating her once-pious countenance in their base emissions as if it were the most exquisite of perfumes. The very thought of her greedily lapping up such vile fluids is enough to turn the stomach of any right-thinking individual." 

- Comte de Bussy-Rabutin.

Described as possessing a "bewitching" and "ageless" beauty, it is reasonable to assume that she would have been exposed to a significantly higher volume of ejaculate than the average woman of her time.  Furthermore considering the reports of Madame Du Crète's "voracious" and "insatiable" depraved appetite from sources it is reasonable to assume that her partners were driven to particularly enthusiastic levels of release. 

Estimating the Ratio:

Based on the available data, we can estimate that during Madame Du Crète's most active years, the ratio of facial/somatic deposition to oral ingestion was approximately 3:1. In her later years, as her appetite grew more voracious, this ratio may have shifted closer to 4:1, with the majority of the ejaculate coating her outwardly pious features and lithe form.

Longitudinal Analysis: 

Now, to quantify the cumulative total of ejaculate consumption, we must examine the timeline of Du Crète's none-conjugal exploits. Historical records indicate that her clandestine trysts commenced in earnest following the birth of her four children and escape to Paris with her 2 maids. Extrapolating from this timeline, we can surmise that her most active period of carnal indulgence spanned approximately 10 years, from her  30s to her ultimate (and public) demise at the age around~ 44. 

Biographical Context:

By all accounts, Madame Du Crète's sexual proclivities manifested relatively late in life, following the birth of her four children and the deterioration of her marriage to Robert Du Crète. During this period of marital discord, she is reported to have sought the carnal attentions of numerous suitors, indulging in a series of increasingly licentious and depraved encounters. Descriptions of these trysts characterize Madame Du Crète as an insatiable and indiscriminate consumer.

The Early Years: Highborn Suitors:

In the initial years following the birth of her children and the breakdown of her marriage, it appears she indulged in a series of trysts with a small circle of ardent suitors. This phase was likely characterized by a relatively consistent intake of ejaculate, perhaps in the range of 10-20 milliliters per week.

During this time, she is reliably documented to have maintained a steady rotation of  lovers. Corresponded by all reports, she carefully cultivating an image of piety and propriety in the public eye. Yet, behind the veneer of respectability, Madame Du Crète harbored a proclivity for the most depraved and licentious activities.

The Middle Years: Public Sport:

As Madame Du Crète's reputation for libertinism spread, she seems to have become the object of desire for a wider network of men, both highborn and low. During this period of her life, her ejaculatory consumption may have spiked to as much as 50 milliliters per week, as she catered to the insatiable demands of her ever-growing cohort of lovers.

As Madame Du Crète's reputation for debauchery spread, she began to attract the attention of a wider cross-section of Parisian society, including members of the merchant class, artisans, and even criminal elements. While these men may have lacked the pedigree and refinement of her earlier lovers, it is crucial that we do not overlook the contributions of certain racial outsiders whose spermatogenesis may have significantly impacted her overall intake.

The Potency of the Periphery: Yet, it would be remiss to ignore the potential contributions of those whom polite society deemed unworthy of Madame Du Crète's attentions. Foremost among these were the virile yet despised Africans, whose spermatogenesis is known to exceed that of their European counterparts by as much as 30%. Given the prevailing attitudes of the era, it is conceivable that Madame Du Crète may have indulged in clandestine trysts with such "exotic" suitors, potentially adding an additional 7 liters to her tally.

Similarly, we cannot discount the possibility that Madame Du Crète, in her wanton pursuit of carnal fulfillment, may have turned to the impoverished and marginalized Jews of the Parisian underworld. Alas, the spermatogenesis of these despised individuals is often found to be lacking, with the average ejaculate volume a mere 2.8 milliliters. Any contributions from this quarter would have been negligible, amounting to no more than 3 liters at most. Despite the prodigious traces found within her posthumously. 

However, as she approached her 40s, she appears to have increasingly turned to younger more virile men, to slake her insatiable appetites. This shift is significant, as spermatogenesis typically peaks in the late teens and early 20s, gradually declining thereafter. 17th century suggest that by the age of 35-40, ejaculate volume can decrease by as much as 20-30% compared to peak levels. 

The Final Years: Le joyeux réceptacle

In the final years leading up to her execution, Madame Du Crète's sexual escapades appear to have reached a feverish pitch, aside from her strategic enthrallment of the King with her becoming his "Nymph" accounts describing her as the willing recipient of the simultaneous outpourings of multiple partners. It is conceivable that during these most depraved episodes, she may have consumed upwards of 100 milliliters of ejaculate in a single sitting.

"I attended one of Madame Du Crète's sordid soirées, where I witnessed the woman being passed between a half-dozen ruffians, each eagerly discharging their filthy seed upon her upturned countenance. She seemed to revel in being defiled in such a manner, as if the very act of being coated in their vile essence was a twisted form of sustenance to her. She would not be content until her greedy mouth had been filled to the brim, and her very countenance was obscured by the outpourings of her legion of lovers. After such defilement she then licked each of the unwashed suitors clean like a cat lapping at cream. A most unnatural and lascivious sight." 

- "Scandalous Tales of High Society" by Madame de Rémusat:

"In my darkest moments of temptation, I found myself drawn to Madame Du Crète's notorious gatherings. There I chanced to witness the notorious Madame Du Crète in the throes of her carnal excesses, surrounded by a veritable pack of dissolute young men. The Madame, her features awash in a ghastly mask of spent seed, writhed in a paroxysm of unholy bliss as her lovers continued to douse her in their carnal offerings. I cannot erase the sight of her opened maw and her lips swollen from their relentless assault. She reveled in our collective effluvium, bathing in our virile outpourings like a depraved nymph in a fountain of lust." 

- "The Private Journal of the Abbé de Choisy":

Even Madame Du Crète's own diary entries, recently unearthed, offer a glimpse into her unabashed fascination with being the recipient of facial ejaculations:

"Today, I welcomed a trio of eager young rakes into my boudoir. They came to me as boys, but left as men, their virility spent upon my countenance and I was their merry receptacle. The sensation of their warm confidence filled me with a pride as if I were their happy mother.”

- Hélène Marie Du Crète

Lifetime Consumption and Deposition:

Factoring in these physiological variations, we can revise our longitudinal projections as follows: accounting for fluctuations in her activity levels, as well as potential periods of relative restraint, we can now estimate that over the course of her scandalous life, Madame Du Crète total lifetime consumption amounted to approximately 6-8 liters of spermatozoa ejaculate, while having an additional 10-12 liters deposited upon her person in the form of facials and other somatic applications. 

Compte que des  fluides humains  excluant toute  contribution canine.

It is important to note that this figure represents a conservative lower bound, as it does not account for potential fluctuations in Madame Du Crète's other sexual proclivities (handjobs: or her ingestion of none human spermatozoa.)

The Rookie sat nervously as the Chief finished reviewing the detailed report they had compiled on Madame Du Crète's scandalous life. He could feel a bead of sweat trickling down his brow, dreading the judgment that was about to come.

The Chief slowly closed the tablet, her brow furrowed in contemplation. "Well, Rookie, I have to hand it to you – this is one of the most comprehensive forensic analyses I've ever seen." She leaned back in her chair, "Your attention to detail is truly impressive. I believe our patron will be more than pleased with the results." 

The Rookie let out a shaky breath, relieved that his hard work had paid off. Perhaps he could finally put this unsettling assignment behind him and move on to something less...depraved. 

But the Chief was not done. She folded her hands on the desk, her expression turning serious. "However, there is one more task I need you to undertake." The Rookie's heart sank as she continued, "Our patron has expressed a particular fascination with the post-mortem decomposition of Madame Du Crète. He also wants us to document the subject's post-decapitation bowel relief in exquisite detail." 

The Rookie's eyes widened in horror. "You can't be serious. You want me to – to study her rotting body, then prod around her dead scat?" He shook his head vehemently. "No, I can't do that. It's too much, even for me."

The Chief held up a hand, silencing his protests.  "Two years' full pay of salary, for this 1 report." "And for her bowel stools: "He wants to know everything - when did it finally happened, the extent of the blast radius, the dietary content of the movement, the whole nine yards."

The Rookie felt his resolve crumbling. As much as the thought of timescrolling to examining Madame Du Crète's decaying remains sickened him, such a substantial payday was too tempting to ignore. 

He swallowed hard, steeling himself for what was to come. "I'll do it." he sighed with mirthless dead eyes, "But I'm not going to like it."

The Chief's face broke into a wide grin, and she slid a thick stack of credit chips across the desk. "I knew you'd see it my way, Rookie." She stood up, smoothing down her uniform. "I'll have the team prepare the necessary probs. I expect your full report by the end of the week."

"Think of it this way - the more thorough our report, the more he'll be willing to pay."